If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just puked most of my soul out..
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
