hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
