I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
