A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
