If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
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