Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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