Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
