So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
