Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
