I'm lost and stupid without you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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