I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
