I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
