That's intense
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
