No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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