someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I need moral support for this bender
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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