Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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