PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
