Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
