1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Don't tell me you're on acid again
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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