Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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