dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
