It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
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I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
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There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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