I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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