i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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