the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive