I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
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its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
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i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us