This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
