You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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