it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
