I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
