I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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