The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
