Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
