My liver just broke up with me...
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half