You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Randomize
