she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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