i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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