Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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