Umm I'm too high to move.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
