Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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