i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
