It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
