is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
where are my eyebrows?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
