So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
