I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
