If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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