No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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