Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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