My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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