Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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