i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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