as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
