nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
