i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
