i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
