Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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