The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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